Maid

I watched the Netflix series recently and I felt the urge to talk about it. It is widely known how many women go through Domestic Violence and keep silent, fearing that, if they talk, things may go terribly wrong.

I went through something similar to Alex (the protagonist). My ex-husband shamelessly stole my money while I was pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, even if I had the chance to lose my child I kept working until the last day (literally) because he made an uncountable amount of debts on my name (four years so far and I’m still paying the bills).

The problem is that, somehow, we - abused women - feel like we’re doing something wrong. After all, the partner was loving and carrying once. When we’re in love we can’t fathom that we’re falling into a trap. Maybe he will get better and things will be like it once was, right? Wrong!

Feelings get mixed with rational thoughts and confusion explodes in a mass of disconnected thoughts that muffs out the bills that piles up, the phone that keeps ringing with threats followed by messages begging for forgiveness.

No, it’s not easy to go through the process. To open your eyes and get out of a toxic relationship sometimes you face friends and even your own family (like Alex’s father) that support the abusive part.

I want to list down a few things that surprised me in the first episodes and compare them to my own reality:

- It’s amazing how cheap gas is in the US! Alex left her house with less than 18,00 and she managed to drive for hours!

- Food and cleaning products were also bought with the same 18,00! In here (Brazil), we live with high living costs. I could barely purchase a pack of rice and beans with that money.

- Market tickets. They sound heavenly and would do wonders to my finances. I wish we had something similar.

- Alex keeps leaving Maddy in the car when she’s asleep. Honestly? I would NEVER leave my child out of sight, not even for a blinking moment. Actually, I don’t leave my dogs out of my sight when I’m outside, let alone my daughter. Every time Alex distanced herself from Maddy I felt a sudden panic rising. It was one big emotional trigger for me.

- Another scene that triggered horrid memories was the hearing scene, when Sean shows up with a lawyer and with the support of his family and Alex shows up alone. I went through something similar. My ex has a friend who is a lawyer and charges nothing to defend him, while I need to work for years to hire someone. I think it’s every mother’s nightmare to be separated from her kid. I still nursed my child when I was threatened to give her up for a week or he would ‘hire someone to state I was mentally unstable’. It was the worst week of my life. And later, during another hearing, I heard the judge say if I was a working mom, I wouldn’t be able to look after my child so she should be delivered to her father. Thank goodness, it wasn’t how it ended. To this day, I cannot believe a judge would say I couldn’t work if I wanted to keep my daughter.

So, yes, the first two episodes were a real nightmare, but eventually Alex got on her feet and so did I. Funny how we both like to write. Another coincidence is that Alex and I work on people’s homes. I see as many weird things as she does.

By the way, I’m also impressed how well paid the maids are. I make half of that 35,00 as an ENGINEER. The abyss of our social catastrophe looks even deeper under that perspective.

Alex tries to make things right. She tries to look after her mom and tries to get to know her father. It’s one big weight and she can’t change things. The series doesn’t show that part, but I did look up her life after she went to college and things started working out. It seems, the biggest lesson is that you can’t carry the world on your back, you can’t fix everyone. Just take what is important (Maddy) and do your best.

For everyone out there who is going through DV, I know the fear of starving is huge, the fear of not providing food for your kids is paralyzing. But at least talk to someone about it. Maybe you can find help when you need the most.

Your kids need you alive, everything else can be arranged.